13th warrior

Compared to this, even the Vikings look civilized

Now the first question I’m going to get is where the hell have I been? Well the answer is, well, vacation. But not I’m back and I have computer access, to an extent at least, so I’m going to review a B-movie I saw over the weekend. Now I doubt most people have seen this movie, and I’m not exactly recommending it in the conventional sense of the word, but let’s just get on with it.
The film is based after “Eaters of the Dead’ a book by John McTiernan (wrote Jurassic Park), the story of which is about a Baghdad Noble named Ahmad ibn Fadlan, sometime during the 9th century, who gets in trouble with the Caliph, and is banished to the north as an ambassador…IE the worst job in the Muslim Empire other than food tester. Up north, he meets up with a band of Vikings, who he converses with in Latin. However, apparently there is a village to the north being attacked by some sort of monster, and a local shaman is called for advice. She uses her magic to determine that 13 warriors must go to aid the village, but one of them must not be a Viking. As of such, Fadlan finds himself drafted into the mission of fighting in some small remote village, and if you’re noticing the Seven Samurai similarity that just means you’re paying attention. They go the village and are attacked by these monsters, called Wendols”, which are said to be, bear men. In reality, they look like primitive men dressed in bear fur, possibly some other species of humanoid, like Neanderthals (they have Venus figures, which is very interesting). And combat ensues.
Now let me make this clear, this isn’t what I’d call a good movie by any standard. The camera work is shoddy, the directing is clumsy and the dialogue is painful, the fights are laughable, and whoever wrote the script might not actually be literate, and yet, I liked the film. Well I was amused by the film. Well I didn’t cry during the film. What I liked is that, despite all of its numerous problems, there was a real genius in the story, a diamond within about half a ton of rough. First off, I like the Dark Age feel of it. Ok, maybe the prop and set department were just given a crappy budget, but I like the film because everything in it is really decrepit and fallen apart or primitive, much like the dark ages. With the exception of Fadlan himself, all of the characters look filthy, unwashed, and like well…they come from the dark ages. The village is a broken apart dump and the monsters look like really primitive guys who wear bear skins. I like the idea of the supernatural just being things people couldn’t explain, it’s implied that the monsters are subhuman who have entered a berserker rage and are cannibals. And I liked in the fight scenes how everybody is so clumsy and disoriented within the fighting. There is something to be said about a more realistic fight scene.
The movie also deserves credit for having a sympathetic Arabic character, something that Hollywood really lacks sadly. Fadlan is shown to be a very intelligent and culture character, for more than the barbarians around him, and while he is mocked for his small size and his inability to fight well, his great horsemanship earns there respect, as the Arabs were famously (or infamously if you were fighting them) good horsemen, and the movie avoids all of the demeaning serotypes often associated with Arabs. He is also played by Omar Sharif, which is just badass right there, he has some really funny expressions when he realizes not only do these people not bath, there understanding of medicine is horrible.
In essence, I think the film itself is bad, but think of what it could have been. The idea I think is wonderful, it could have been like seven samurai, but with the Grendel aspect thrown in. Personally I’m a big fan of the realistic/gritty view of the dark ages, such as the film Beowulf and Grendel or the French Excalibur, because that kind of dirty view of the time pretty accurate, and like the idea of the monster s not being actual monsters but just primitives in scary cloaks. With the modern movie industry the way it is, I really thing there needs to be a remake of this, because you could get a real masterpiece out of this storyline and setting. In short, I like it, not for what it is, but for what it could have been.
From
EE