FRANCEEEEEE

Part two-Who were the French and why were they such pansies?
The French are stereotypically a bunch of arrogant effeminate pansies who can't win any war due to their tendency to surrender. Before the world wars, the French were regarded as the second greatest world power, France is an old country, they have been around since the shortly after the fall of the Roman Empire (that’s at least 1500 years by the way). For most history, they have been a great military and cultural power, and at several points in history dominated large parts of Europe, and many times were either the richest or most cultural dominate part of that part of the world. And something happened a little less than a hundred years before WWI, and only fifty years before the infamous Franco Prussian war. That something was called Napoleon Bonaparte, who is in the top five list of “Greatest Badass in history”. Basically France overthrew their king and declared a Democracy after seeing America do it (whoops, our bad). Problem was that their first democracy was fanatical and went on a massive killing spree, and the second government that replaced it was corrupt and inept. Into this steps Napoleon Bonaparte, a 5’2 pudgy Italian man who pretty much single handedly he took on every single nation in Europe at the same time for 13 years (1799-1812) He pretty much won against all of the nations of Europe at the same time, and made Austria in particular his whiny little Bitch. Then in 1811 he invaded Russia and lost his largest army, and was defeated in 1815, came back a few months later almost won again, lost again at Waterloo. While France had been defeated, everybody still was in awe of Napoleon’s awesomeness, and so France was regarded as a super badass military power, then the Germans completely pwned in 1870. Despite this humiliation, French culture spread across Europe by Napoleon’s conquests, which included ideas like Democracy, unified militaries, and Jews been treated as people. Their culture was emulated by almost every nation except England and to a lesser extent Germany, as they had the finest food, finest fashion, finest art, some of the finest buildings, finest music, and fine women. This won them a reputation as a cultural powerhouse, but they were considered somewhat effeminate by the more militaristic Germany and England. Its worth noting that British and English don’t have a reputation for either fine fashion or food, while French food is amazing and they are the capital of the fashion world. The French upper class, unlike the English or German, learned other languages, understand fine food, getting into art work, dress nicely, flirt all the time (the French had a well deserved reputation for cheating on each other...all the time), fashion, poetry, and classics, and had an empire. France owned what is now Laos, Vietnam and Cambodia, as well as the second largest amount of "spheres of influence" (read puppet states) in China, next to England, and the second largest amount of African colonies, read rivalry. So when Germany came about, England was pretty into the idea, because Germany was a threat to France, their rival, cause, France and Germany HATTTTTTED each other. Finally, France was also a democracy, making them unique in Europe, and the closest ally of the USA, who distrusted England. Did I miss anything? Oh right, racism. France was not as racist as Germany eventually proved to be, Jews were officially accepted, but were persecuted and treated as inferior, IE the Dreyfus Affair, where the French chose to blame the loss of 1870 on the highest ranking Jewish Officer Dreyfus, and had him arrested. Turned out he didn’t do it, but the affair torn France political life apart between those who thought him innocent and those who thought him guilty. Also the French committed multiple genocides in Africa, so there is still blood on their hands, but we don’t care because again, those people aren’t white.

Mah WWI study guide part 1 What i've been doing all this time

Part one, who were the Germans and why were they such massive assholes?
The Germans-We know the Germans are the bad guys in every movie ever, but who are these guys? Why did they fight so well? What is the deal with the pointy hats and fancy boots? Why were they such massive assholes? Basically, Germany was for most if its history made up of a thirty to 500 small nation states. These countries were all of Germany ethnically, IE the people were German, but they didn't have much in common. Then about 40 years before WWI, they were united in a single nation, show below.

The region of Prussia, in northern Germany, being the largest and most technologically of the various German states was able to bring Germany together. The Prussians have a reputation for being very harsh, very militaristic, and very badass. They were ruled by an Emperor, and had a nobility called the Junkers (don't laugh). Germany nobility, in contrast to the more bohemian French, were encouraged to be out going. The ideal young noble would like classical music, dress in a military outfit, go riding and hunting in his spare time, served in the army and be physically fit. German people were from a military culture, bravery, patriotic spirit, and stoic badassness were expected of their people, combined with being generally conservative, anti Semitic and super harsh. Now its a stereotype to call them a bunch of barbarians, as German Opera is second only to Italy, and German composers include Mozart, Bach, and Beethoven, so they aren't brutes, but were regarded as crass brutes by the British and French, and culturally are much more “Gruff” to put it nicely. Ironically, the Germans greatly admired the British...less so the French. The newly formed nation of Germany was ruled by the Kaiser (German for Caesar, meaning Emperor), Kaiser William I (pronounced Will-ham its annoying) united Germany, but it was his second in command, Otto Von Bismarck who was the diplomatic genius who made Germany. Basically, he provoked Austria, Russia, and France into attacking Germany, forcing the small German states to unite into one country for defense. The Franco Prussian war, fought 40 years before WWI is important, as the Germans owned France, and Kaiser William I forced France’s Napoleon III to kiss his boots in public and declare him “The new sun king” (the sun king was the title awarded France’s greatest king Louis XIV). France was the greatest nation on mainland Europe until their defeat in 1870, and resented the German induced humiliation. Following the defeat of France, the various states united into the German Empire in 1871. While unified with a centralized government, Germany was still very much divided, apart from Prussians, you had Bavarians, Saxons, Hessians, and ethnic Germans living in other countries. While technically a constitutional monarchy, the German parliament could only dictate the control of war funds, the real power lay in the hands of the Kaiser, actually it lay in the hands of Otto Von Bismarck, who controlled the old and basically senile Kaiser Wilhelm I. Politically, the Germans admired the British, as they were very much alike. They were both into physical activity, they both wanted their nobility to actually run stuff rather then sit around being spoiled twats (france), and they were both militaristic racist humorless gits. The English Royal Family was German since George I, and ironically the last German/English king would die a little before WWI the new king George the V was purely English. Finally, Germany is the "emotionally abused child of Europe, who grows up to be 6’6 and really pissed off", as while Germany had been trying to unite for centuries, the rest of Europe didn’t want such a powerful country coming about, and kept dividing them for roughly 1500 years. So Germany is pissed at the rest of the world and eager to assert themselves, Germany wanted colonies, but they were only able to get some crappy colonies in Africa and China because everything else had been taken. As for the pointy hats...yeah I don't know. The ruler of Germany at the time of WWII was the mentally disable Kaiser Wilhelm II. Oh right racism. Now lest get something clear, all of the Europeans were racist pricks who hated Jews, the Germans at the time were just a little more direct about it, through in one of heir African colonies 1904-1907, the Germans wiped out two separate African tribes, the Herore and Namaque. I mean, we don’t care because you know, their Africans, but basically the Germans used camps and mass murder to eliminate 70% of the Herore (65 thousand) and 50% of the Namas (ten thousand) in what is modern day Namibia (West of South Africa). I’m not saying that Germans are addicted to wiping other people off of the planet, just interesting in hindsight.